round 4, week 1. the mindset journey continues. The weekend where I learnt more about myself and i realised i am not willing to compromise who i am

Hey all So in the spirit of continuing my mindset development I have decided to write a blog every week. This purpose? Me processing things, the ups the downs, the good, the bad, the uglies. I know that I do better when I am open and honest with myself and others so that is what this is about. week 1 was actually a big week for me, I got back from finale, knowing I had a huge list of work to complete, I launched a brand new program into the main gym I teach at (proud moment there!) so I was trying to learn choreography, I was processing my rather silly emotions from finale, was seeing to an small injury from the fitness challenge and I was getting ready for another challenge party so the challenge, was one that I did last round, for me all it meant was a different super Saturday, which consisted of what they called a WOW, a workout of the week. This wow was either doing exercises as fast as you could similar to the fitness challenge at finale or measuring how heavy you could lift for certain exercises and reps/sets. This challenge did my head in, because there was a leader board, and the old comparison monster came out. Many of the wows broke me, one completely broke me, but I chose to do it again later that week. why? Because I don’t like being broken, so again I did it and cut 7.5 minutes off my time. :) SO this is what the dinner was for on Saturday night. I am really proud of myself with those wows for 4 reasons. 1. I did every single wow, no excuses, no quitting. 2. I completed every wow with good technique (unlike some people unfortunately) and didn’t vary any of the exercises. 3. I completed every wow with integrity. 4. I did my personal best every week. In the end I came 16th out of the female staff in Victoria I had wanted to finish a little further up the leader board, but I know I had nothing else to give so I have to be proud of myself. Yes the comparison monsters still come out to try and eat me, especially on Saturday night, but I fought my way through them. I did everything I could and gave it everything I had, and that means I succeeded. SO in the lead up to the weekend I got another spray tan, and when I’m brown for some reason I feel comfortable in shorts, or skorts. SO I put on my skort and headed to the gym. I spent the whole hour I was working out, picking myself apart in the mirror. Your hips are too big, look at those flabby legs; you have no right to put on that skort, blah blah blah. The negative self-talk continued the whole workout, and all night. I was exhausted Saturday morning, but had a day ahead of me to get ready for the dinner. I pushed those negative thoughts down all day, till I got to the dinner. But then seeing scores and results being put up on the big screen the little monster in my head started eating away at me again. I reminded myself of the points I told you earlier. That I did and do everything with integrity, and honesty no matter what, and I know I always give things my absolute best. But that wasn’t all that came out at the dinner. What a lot of people may not know about me is I’m shy, quiet, get stuck in my own thoughts sometimes, don’t drink, and am very self-conscious in crowds, wary in crowds of people that are drinking and don’t really dance unless I’m dragged into it (lately by my partner Gary  ). So here I am at the dinner, thinking about all the things I wasn’t compared to others, and watching all the friends I had there drinking, having fun, dancing silly, being silly, and as I was thinking I realised so much about myself (there is a point I promise ). I tried to dance but it felt wrong, I didn’t want to drink, I was emotional but chose not to push it away, because my emotions are me. I remembered back to my first few 12wbt parties, and It took me so many rounds to feel comfortable, to remove myself off the wall to not be that wall flower, to talk to people etc. Those parties are now a place I feel comfortable, as I’ve said before they are home, its family. But this one, no comfortable I wasn’t, self-conscious and nervous yes I was, and you know what, that’s ok. That’s what I realised Saturday night. I realised that whatever I felt, whatever I did, and it was ok as long as I was being true to me. I realised that it was ok not to drink or dance if I didn’t want to, I realised that it was ok to sit out the front in the window overlooking the city and thinking by myself to get a breather from others if I wanted or needed too, I realised that it was ok to be me and it was that moment of raw honesty that I recognised who I was in that situation and to be happy within the person I was choosing to be. Boring maybe, but me Yesterday as I was processing all the things from the night before I decided to clean out my clothes, and when I say clean out my clothes I mean it. I have everything from size 16 to size 8. Some I have never worn, but hoped to get into, some that I did fit into but now don’t fit as my muscles have grown, some that I did wear but I’ve kept in case I needed them. Well no more, as Lou has said before, be gone those clothes that aren’t made for our awesomeness. 4 garbage bags later I am done, and now I’ve started I just want to clean out everything. So that’s my job over the next weeks. When I have spare time. Whens that?? So overall last week was a good week I think. Yes lots of thinking, and feeling, but in those moments of thinking and feeling there were also a lot of realisations about who I am, as a person, as an instructor, as a teacher as everything that I am. So that means all the emotions and thoughts are worth it, Because now I know who I am and I know more than anything that I am not willing to compromise that. Week 1 of round 4 off to a good start in the mindset department, and exercise. Food still can be improved, but one step at a time gets me closer and closer to my goals.