mindset reflection week 2 round 4. Perfection

The past couple of weeks things have been popping up in my life with the p word. Perfect. People either telling me that I like being perfect, me not liking when I cant be perfect etc. SO ive decided to address that this week. Perfect isn’t a word I necessarily like. I dont think there is a perfect body, or a perfect way to live, or a perfect way to follow things, but in saying that I do not like when I cant do things perfectly. For example, last week I just couldn’t get a movement right, and couldn’t lift what I wanted too and that did my head it. So here I am sitting here trying to figure out what I really feel about that P word here are my thoughts. I think within the fitness world or the training world there is such a thing as perfect. Perfect form, perfect choreography, perfect technique that should always be followed and further developed or something you always aim for. But I think that there is not a perfect weight that everyone should lift for every exercise, there cant be, we all have different strengths, different levels of fitness and strength and experience of training, and this is why we shouldn’t compare. There is no perfect weight we should lift, so if others can lift heavier then us then that’s ok, we are still developing our technique and we are still developing the strength (mentally and physically) to increase the weights we lift. For two rounds I battled with getting my head around the bench press. It was frustrating me so much, I couldn’t increase the weight, I couldn’t get my head around the technique and I was so ready to just give up. But 2 weeks ago I had my pt dancing around the gym as something clicked and the technique was there, the strength was there. It was one of the best feelings. It frustrates me when my technique is off, it drives me nuts, because as my members in my classes tell me im a technique freak. That’s the one place I want to be perfect and I get so frustrated when I cant. Half the time I cant feel the issues either which frustrates me even more. I am sure I give my pt evil glares all the time when she picks something up, and its not angry at her, its total frustrated at myself. It is also very frustrating when class technique is different to lifting technique. DOES MY HEAD IN. but this is also where I have seen the greatest strength and fitness gains. Ok I have gotten off track havnt i? Yes I like being perfect in the gym. But with that want for perfection in the gym, also comes the high expectations I set myself, sometimes too high, which then as always nearly follows with a break down, or disappointment when I don’t reach those expectations. There have been many of those, too many infact, yet I wouldn’t change that part of me. Why? Because the need for perfection and the high expectations allow me to achive and continue to achieve what I do. I don’t compromise technique for anything. Not in challenges, not in classes, and not with the members that do my classes. I know that having good technique not only keeps our body safe and injury free, but will also allow my body to get the best results. It was hard when loosing weight, wanting to aim for the ‘perfect’ bodies, but I fast realised that there was no such thing as perfect, just the best version of me, that was going to be ever changing. I don’t think there is a perfect weight, or body shape or clothing size, or measurements not in general and not individually. My body is always changing based on my goals, and I don’t think ill ever reach a place where I say and think, yes this is perfect. There will always be something I am trying to improve, or change, and as my training vchanges, and goals change that will change also. In terms of percfection the past weeks ive had many comments from people along the lines of but you’ve been doing this so long now, shouldn’t you find it easy to be perfect with food and exercise and everything else? I am human, yes ive been doing it for a long time, and yes I have come a long way, and everything else. But I am still human and I am a long way from perfect. I have bad days, I get stressed and emotional and I want to eat and binge. The alarm goes off and I don’t always want to get up. I see results on the scales I don’t necessarily want to see, or clothes stop fitting that I love, or I just get stuck in my head and feel like nothing is working. Food is always going to be my struggle. I like to eat, I love food, and yes I eat when im emotional. SO im always going to struggle with food. Im never going to be perfect at this. It will always be a struggle, and It will always be something I will need to work on in terms of food. But I know that and that’s ok. And the mental battle, yup that will always be there too. Ive said it before im a thinker and a feeler, that will always be there too as it is who I am. That’s half of why I write these blogs. Gets things out of my head. But also allows me to figure things out. Does that even make sense? So I guess the short version of all that is, and what ive figured out is. 1. I think there is perfection in the gym with technique and its what I strive for every session 2. It drives me nuts when I cant lift what I want to, or what I think I should be able to do, and when im not getting technique right 3. I like being organised with work and gym and life 4. I don’t think there is a perfect body or a perfect way to live life or to even follow the program as life happens and can throw you off, as long as you get back on track that’s what matters in the end. You don’t fail if your not perfect. 5. Im not perfect and I still have lots to learn, mind, body, training, nutrition, life Hopefully some of this made sense. Love lisa

round 4, week 1. the mindset journey continues. The weekend where I learnt more about myself and i realised i am not willing to compromise who i am

Hey all So in the spirit of continuing my mindset development I have decided to write a blog every week. This purpose? Me processing things, the ups the downs, the good, the bad, the uglies. I know that I do better when I am open and honest with myself and others so that is what this is about. week 1 was actually a big week for me, I got back from finale, knowing I had a huge list of work to complete, I launched a brand new program into the main gym I teach at (proud moment there!) so I was trying to learn choreography, I was processing my rather silly emotions from finale, was seeing to an small injury from the fitness challenge and I was getting ready for another challenge party so the challenge, was one that I did last round, for me all it meant was a different super Saturday, which consisted of what they called a WOW, a workout of the week. This wow was either doing exercises as fast as you could similar to the fitness challenge at finale or measuring how heavy you could lift for certain exercises and reps/sets. This challenge did my head in, because there was a leader board, and the old comparison monster came out. Many of the wows broke me, one completely broke me, but I chose to do it again later that week. why? Because I don’t like being broken, so again I did it and cut 7.5 minutes off my time. :) SO this is what the dinner was for on Saturday night. I am really proud of myself with those wows for 4 reasons. 1. I did every single wow, no excuses, no quitting. 2. I completed every wow with good technique (unlike some people unfortunately) and didn’t vary any of the exercises. 3. I completed every wow with integrity. 4. I did my personal best every week. In the end I came 16th out of the female staff in Victoria I had wanted to finish a little further up the leader board, but I know I had nothing else to give so I have to be proud of myself. Yes the comparison monsters still come out to try and eat me, especially on Saturday night, but I fought my way through them. I did everything I could and gave it everything I had, and that means I succeeded. SO in the lead up to the weekend I got another spray tan, and when I’m brown for some reason I feel comfortable in shorts, or skorts. SO I put on my skort and headed to the gym. I spent the whole hour I was working out, picking myself apart in the mirror. Your hips are too big, look at those flabby legs; you have no right to put on that skort, blah blah blah. The negative self-talk continued the whole workout, and all night. I was exhausted Saturday morning, but had a day ahead of me to get ready for the dinner. I pushed those negative thoughts down all day, till I got to the dinner. But then seeing scores and results being put up on the big screen the little monster in my head started eating away at me again. I reminded myself of the points I told you earlier. That I did and do everything with integrity, and honesty no matter what, and I know I always give things my absolute best. But that wasn’t all that came out at the dinner. What a lot of people may not know about me is I’m shy, quiet, get stuck in my own thoughts sometimes, don’t drink, and am very self-conscious in crowds, wary in crowds of people that are drinking and don’t really dance unless I’m dragged into it (lately by my partner Gary  ). So here I am at the dinner, thinking about all the things I wasn’t compared to others, and watching all the friends I had there drinking, having fun, dancing silly, being silly, and as I was thinking I realised so much about myself (there is a point I promise ). I tried to dance but it felt wrong, I didn’t want to drink, I was emotional but chose not to push it away, because my emotions are me. I remembered back to my first few 12wbt parties, and It took me so many rounds to feel comfortable, to remove myself off the wall to not be that wall flower, to talk to people etc. Those parties are now a place I feel comfortable, as I’ve said before they are home, its family. But this one, no comfortable I wasn’t, self-conscious and nervous yes I was, and you know what, that’s ok. That’s what I realised Saturday night. I realised that whatever I felt, whatever I did, and it was ok as long as I was being true to me. I realised that it was ok not to drink or dance if I didn’t want to, I realised that it was ok to sit out the front in the window overlooking the city and thinking by myself to get a breather from others if I wanted or needed too, I realised that it was ok to be me and it was that moment of raw honesty that I recognised who I was in that situation and to be happy within the person I was choosing to be. Boring maybe, but me Yesterday as I was processing all the things from the night before I decided to clean out my clothes, and when I say clean out my clothes I mean it. I have everything from size 16 to size 8. Some I have never worn, but hoped to get into, some that I did fit into but now don’t fit as my muscles have grown, some that I did wear but I’ve kept in case I needed them. Well no more, as Lou has said before, be gone those clothes that aren’t made for our awesomeness. 4 garbage bags later I am done, and now I’ve started I just want to clean out everything. So that’s my job over the next weeks. When I have spare time. Whens that?? So overall last week was a good week I think. Yes lots of thinking, and feeling, but in those moments of thinking and feeling there were also a lot of realisations about who I am, as a person, as an instructor, as a teacher as everything that I am. So that means all the emotions and thoughts are worth it, Because now I know who I am and I know more than anything that I am not willing to compromise that. Week 1 of round 4 off to a good start in the mindset department, and exercise. Food still can be improved, but one step at a time gets me closer and closer to my goals.

My 12wbt journey.... SO FAR... a refection post

After Saturday night I received so many messages and questions about my 12wbt journey so far, so I decided to sit down and write a blog. I used to have one in the early days of the 12wbt but in a moment of feeling like I needed to move away from that blog I deleted every single entry. Part of me wishes that I didn’t do that, but at the same time I am glad that I did. So here I am back again to write about what has been the last 3.5 years of my life. The weight loss I have achieved has been amazing, yet to me it’s the smallest change, which most people find really really strange, for me, it’s just how it worked out. I’m going to start where it began and work from there, it may be long, it may be confronting for some, but I have a story to tell, and I’m going to tell it. Besides this is only the beginning, I’m not going back, I’m only moving forward. Round 1 2010 When I first joined the 12wbt, it wasn’t the start of my weight loss journey I had already been trying to lose weight for a year, but I was in a place that if I didn’t find something else and find it fast I was going to put all the weight back on that I had lost and put it back on fast. In fact before I did sign up for the 12wbt I had gained 20kg back in only a month. I was in a bad head space and I knew that I needed help to achieve not only what I wanted to but what I needed too. I knew I was spiralling out of control and that I needed something. It was then that the add popped up on the side of my Facebook page for this program, and next thing I know I had signed up. The preseason tasks got me going again, and that 20kg I had gained, I managed to get most of it off before the start of the round. That first round was special, really special, it was small, most of us didn’t catch up in person, it was all done online, but online we shared our journeys, and helped each other get closer to our goals. We had weekly online meetings (live chats) back then and they were something I never missed. It was a great experience. The mindset lessons were confronting and at the beginning I confronted them, but then one hit deep and I shut that down. I kept exercising, and eating right, but I turned off from the mindset lessons. I kept telling myself that I was doing them, listening, but now when I reflect I realise how much I didn’t. I was happier then I was at the start, I was lighter, and I was fitter and healthier, but there was so much more that I had to give. The finale was a month after the end of the round. I remember meeting Michelle at the end of the round though at a woman’s health event, and that’s the first time I caught up with people from the program too. It was a rather special day. We were all celebrating our success on the program, it was wonderful to meet mish but it was so special to catch up with people we had talked, supported and been supported by l through the round, really special. We chatted all day and we couldn’t wait to go to Sydney for the first finale. I headed up on the Friday and spent the afternoon packing the gift bags. There was a small group of us that volunteered, and spent the time in a hotel room, surrounded by boxes, and paper and bags. It was a lot of fun, that night a lot of friendships really started forming. The finale was going to be held at cargo bar, and that freaked me out. I had never been someone who had gone to pubs or clubs, but I decided to go. I needed to celebrate the round. The workout was what excited me the most. By this stage I loved exercise. What I didn’t expect was a total and utter breakdown. I will never forget it… never will I forget that day. Not for the sheer enormity of the breakdown, or the absolute support I got from those that were there. The breakdown… oh where do I start. Before the session we were told to do beginner, intermediate or advanced, choose our level and do that for the workout. Well silly me chose advanced… Ok maybe not so silly... I was bordering on advanced for everything, except the run fitness test, and I didn’t want to go home feeling like I had of worked harder, so I did advanced. Unfortunately that’s where things started to break down. I looked around me and I was surrounded by people who looked, strong and fit and not like me. (When I say everyone I mean there were like 20 of us, seriously that’s how small it was back then). Then the first group we had was with Amelia and a run. I knew that instant that being in the advanced group was a bad idea. But it was too late to change, so off I went. I was at the back of the group the whole way, then we hit sprints, and then we had to run back. Embarrassment, fear, everything was setting in, I had nothing left. I had to walk, so there I was walking back at the back of the group, so far away from everyone, and the tears started. Ridiculous tears. I was in a strange city, didn’t know many people very well, and I was falling apart and falling apart fast. I was scared and wanted to run, but by this stage I was sobbing. It took me so long to get back that when I got back the next group were heading out, in that group were people that I had met and talked to for ages online. I had just got the tears under control so all it took was one of them to say ‘Lisa are you ok” and I collapsed into instant sobs. I was so disappointed and embarrassed, but they surrounded me with hugs, I calmed down, and then joined in with my group again. I was stuffed, I had nothing left, but I wasn’t going to quit. My group was with mish then, so I missed half of my time with her, which nearly started me up again, but I took a deep breath and off I went kept pushing as much as I could, through that session and the one after it. But as soon as I finished there I was sitting down in tears again. Feeling like I had failed. That was the day that I truly realised how much more I needed to achieve and how much mindset focus I needed. That scared me, because deep down I knew that was going to be the hardest. The party which I nearly didn’t go to was amazing. I had so much fun, and I loved every moment of. It re inspired me; to do everything I could to achieve my goals. Round 2 2010 This round was a massive round for me, not in terms of results, but in terms of the mindset journey. At the finale in Sydney in round 1. I realised that there was so much more that I needed to do. I realised that I needed to dig deep, and allow myself to acknowledge and deal with the past, and the reasons why I gained weight in the first place. Back then I always thought that I would get to my goal weight, and I would magically be happy. But in Sydney I realised for the first time ever, that it was the other way round, I had to get happy, or at least deal with things first, and if I didn’t I would never get to my goal weight. Talk about a mind numbing realisation. It shocked me it really did. So the day I got home from Sydney I sat down and wrote a heart filled post on the forums, about myself, and why I had gained weight in the first place. I’m not going to rewrite that post, but while that past has no part in my life now, it did happen, and its part of this story, so I’ll give you the short version. I was going to write easy version but really that doesn’t exist, nothing easy about any of it. Ok to cut a long story short I first started gaining weight when I was 12. Food was the one thing I felt control over so I ate, back then food numbed me and made me feel good, so I ate and I ate and I ate. By the time I hit the end of high school I was easily a size 18, then it just kept gaining from there. Why? It was my coping mechanism, and then I realised the more I gained, the more invisible I seemed to become and I liked that. I liked feeling invisible. Because to me back then, invisible was safe. Ok so why when I was 12? Because I was continually sexually assaulted by a friends older brother which finished with rape, he got what he wanted I guess. When that happened, I changed, I hid inside myself and I ate and ate and ate and ate. I didn’t know how to deal with things so I ate, to try and forget. This round by starting to acknowledge it and finally dealing with the issues at hand I was able to start healing and moving forward. I admitted to the forums that I had suffered PTSD and that was so hard, to admit openly that I struggled with mental health issues. That’s where it started. Through that round I also realised that where I was living was not healthy for me. I was with my parents still and I was finding my efforts to change were not working, that and other things meant that I knew I had to work out. Where I was living was a toxic environment for me at that time and I needed to get out. So that’s what I did, after a lot of emails, and discussions on the forums anyway, it was not an easy decision for me at all. Yup it is fair to say round 2 2010 was my mindset round, though in saying that every round I’ve done since then has always been major in mindset for me, for very different reasons. Anyway moving on from that, it was also a big round in social aspects. I caught up with the girls I met at the finale lots; it was the beginning of catch ups I guess. We climbed the 1000 steps; we did boxing sessions and a crazy all day boot camp. I also flew up to do city to surf. It was after that trip that I had a feeling that Sydney was cursed with breakdowns for me… yup another huge breakdown. Actually that day, there was many. SO MUCH FUN!!!! The city to surf hit half way through the round, I had only just managed to run 10k before that, a couple of weeks actually, but I decided to go. There was a group of us from the12wbt going, and we organised a catch up after it with Amelia. Anyway the run, I hit heart break hill and I had to stop, I couldn’t breathe, my calves felt like they were going to burn, and that’s all it took. My expectations I had for myself was to run the 10k and then interval run to the end, and I had to stop at 7.5 k. I ran with friends that day, and luckily for me they kept me going, we did intervals together for the rest of the run. The rest of the run consisted of me breaking down in tears, getting it under control, running, and then breaking down. I think there was just so much going on at the time, and I had set big expectations for myself, and I really wanted to succeed. Then I walked into the catch up with Amelia and the other 12wbters who had ran , one of the girls that had supported me asked me how I went, and the tears just exploded again, she pulled me out to chat to me, and next thing I know I was getting hugged by mish and was chatting to mish, I didn’t even know she was going to be there, then she was there…I remember that day so much, she told me that day that the only thing that matters is that I got out there and gave it a go, amongst other things. While I was so emotional and embarrassed that day, that day also made a lot of difference to my life. So much so. The round ended, and I hadn’t lost as much as I wanted, but the, mindset work I did was massive. Finale was in Sydney, and yup again I cried, but no massive break down this time. YAY!!! It was that weekend that truly made me fall in love with the finales. The workout was again broken into beginner, intermediate and advanced. The workout and party was bigger than it was the first round, and round 3 had been announced, it was clear to everyone at the party that night that we had found something special and something that was growing, and that we were very very lucky to be Part of it. Yup round 2 2010 was my mindset round, no if, buts or maybes. Round 3 2010 I went into this round determined to smash it but it was clear from the start that just beginning to deal with issues and moving out was not going to solve all my problems. It would have been nice if it was that easy. Round 3 2010 I think was one of my least successful rounds, I lost nearly 5 kg I think, and I did some amazing things including a whole weekend boot camp, but nothing of real significance really changed. I think working through the mental side was the greatest thing I could do for myself. As I dealt with that side of things I found more confidence. The finale that round was the first I braved a spray tan for and I wore shorts to the workout, something that at the time freaked me out. Now I think of it the greatest thing I achieved that round was finding an intensity to push in my workouts. I knew how to work hard when training, and that was showing in my training, I may not have been losing as much weight as I wanted but my body and fitness was changing. Round 1 2011 So this is the round where I hit my lowest weight. Something clicked and I got down low, I’m still not sure if I like myself that low, I’m heavier now as I write this. I didn’t have much tone, and my strength was base level. I spent the time in between rounds cleaning up my nutrition, and getting into the gym, so I started round ready and rearing to go, and that’s what happened/. I combined some lean and strong workouts, with running and other les mills classes. I loved the results I was getting at the time, but there was still something missing. There was more I wanted to achieve, but at the same time I was at the goal I had originally set for myself, and I was left trying to figure out what was missing. I went to Thailand this round, and wore a bikini for the first time ever, that was an incredible moment, I can tell you that much. I was quite self-conscious, but I wore it, and I wore it proud. I also did the run for the kids, which was the same distance as the city to surf, I was nervous heading into remembering the break down, but I didn’t need to be, I ran the whole thing non-stop which was my aim, and I felt incredible. The finale that round was in Melbourne, by now I had such a strong group of 12wbt friends, and family, we got together regularly, worked out, chatted and supported each other and after travelling to Sydney three times the year before it was nice to have everyone come to us, though ask the people on the tram as they were invaded by mud covered drenched 12wbters after the workout. It is still one of my favourite workouts, I think mainly because I was surrounded by so many of my incredible friends. It was a special round for me. Hitting that goal weight, that was really special. The party was special too, packed, but special. Round 2 2011 The round started and I signed up to complete my body pump training. It was after I watched the video at the finale for round 1 about mish. One pic was of mish teaching pump, then the words, the inspired, and then the next was her teaching attack and the words to the inspiring. That video is what made me realise that yes I was ready, the round started and I sent out my paperwork. Half way through that round I passed as a body pump instructor. While it wasn’t my intention at the start of the round, that round became a focus on Bodypump and toning which fit into the lean and strong program so well, though my training was nearly 90 % pump, I got some great results. I finished the round heavier then I ended the other round, but I was still within a couple of kgs, so I saw it as a success. I spent a lot of the round blogging, blogging about my pump experience, blogging about my progress with the mindset lessons and letting myself be. Originally my goal had been to run my first half marathon that year, but decided when I signed up for pump training to focus on that and put running on hold. It was a hard road starting out as an instructor; once I was trained it was hard to find the confidence to believe that I deserved to be up there. But after lots of work I was starting to find it. That round I also got named best and fairest for my netball team. The party was in Brisbane, and I went. It was a little strange this round, It was the first round that not many people were there from the people that I shared every other finale with. But it turned out to be one amazing weekend. I was an assistant trainer at the workout, which was so much fun, helping others. I had so much fun that day and then that night I got awarded the most inspirational blogger award. It was really special, and such an honour. I love the dress I wore that round too, it’s one of my favourites. It was also massive as I had my first les mills workshops the next day. Talk about an inspiring weekend. Round 3 2011. OMG this round was my worst ever, I gained 5kg. But wait, don’t judge, I was feeling quite sick the couple of weeks before the finale, and after the finale itself, but I ignored it and kept pushing through. NOTE TO EVERYONE IF YOU FEEL SICK CONSTANTLY DO SOMETHING!!!!! After a week of feeling tired and having no energy I went to the Drs. Blood tests later and I was given the news that I had glandular fever, was told no netball, no working out, and rest, rest, rest. Not what I wanted to hear when I was trying to find my feet as an instructor and achieve great results. But it was not meant to be that round. I pushed through the first week, but ended up feeling really really sick, falling asleep at the kitchen table for no apparent reason, and struggling to just go about everyday things. It was not fun at all, so I backed off. I remember still the feeling of helplessness I felt that round, I watched as everyone else was achieving goals, I was so frustrated, and as much as I tried to focus on my food things seemed to be falling apart. It was then that I received the news that a friend had passed away. This hit me and hit me hard, we started out weight loss journey together, and where I had succeeded she had failed, where I found a way, she couldn’t. I blamed myself. I remember emailing into the admin, I wanted to work out but I couldn’t, I was so emotional and overwhelmed that I didn’t know how to deal with it. The 12wbt support crew of gabi and Kelly were amazing in supporting me through it all. I went to the finale that round, I didn’t do the workout but I had a ball. All I needed then was to spend time with my 12wbt family, so that’s what I did and I was so glad I went. I needed it and it was enough to recharge me, refresh me, and heal me. Round 3 was hard, but I know it happened for a reason. I learnt a lot that round, learnt a lot about myself, and who I am. Round 1 2012. When I started this round, I thought it was going to be my last. That was my plan, one last round to get back to my lowest weight, and to regain the fitness that I had lost since I became sick. Just after the round started I also decided that I was ready to put myself out there to seek for love. Since the events of the past happened when I was 12, I had never dated anyone, never had been kissed, never allowed myself to be in a situation where I could meet anyone, or put myself out there at all. Infact I did everything I could to keep myself invisible where that was concerned. Everything I could do I did. But when this round hit, I knew that it was time to do something about it. For me at that time I felt like it was the missing piece of the puzzle, and it turns out I was right, it was one of them, but not all of them as I thought it was. SO I joined up to an online dating site, spent hours creating a profile, and then started. I talked to some guys, organised some meet ups in some very open places, but cancelled most of them, then I met Gary, we talked a lot most days, and soon it seemed like I had known him forever. The day I met him he turned up with flowers, and the second and third times too. He was patient, didn’t push anything, and seemed to truly care for me, and that pattern has continued since the day I first met him. It was a huge thing for me to do, to allow myself to be loved, it meant taking down my barriers and letting someone in, was so hard, and it took me a very long time to actually let down all my barriers, but that’s another story. This round was the round that I also allowed myself to reflect on things. I remember sitting there looking in the mirror trying to see the changes but struggling so much to see what I had achieved. When I sat down and looked back I could see the achievements, the runs, the strength gains, the shrinking clothes, the healing from the past, the freedom from the ptsd that used the be the sleeping giant in my life that crippled me, but I didn’t see the physical changes. But through that round I focussed on trusting myself, and thinking about how I felt, how my body felt, how I felt in my classes and working out, and the fact that I did allow myself to find love. This round I completed my rpm training and my advanced instructor training in pump. I was finally feeling better after the disaster of a round in round 3 the year before, and was able to take my training to the next level. Deciding to do further les mills training was just part of that.  And yes I was totally obsessed, still am in fact. The results I got that round on the scale weren’t great or what I wanted to achieve, but as with other rounds the mental shift was there in a big way. The end of this round was incredibly emotional, as I prepared to say goodbye. To me this program is home, is family. I had achieved so much on it and had met so many people on it, and after 7 rounds in a row I felt like it was time to step away. That and that I was becoming really obsessed with the scales, not because of the program, but because I just wanted to get back to my lowest, and I kept beating myself up because I couldn’t and so the obsession started. I needed to stop trying to lose weight, and needed to start living, reminding myself that I knew what I was doing and that I was never going to end up where I started as that was my biggest fear. So I stepped away, (more about that later). I signed up for the fitness challenge at the finale, the first one ever, and was so proud of what I achieved in that time, I remember chatting to Amelia after the challenge and she said to me, did you ever think that you would be on stage in the final of a fitness challenge? The answer was no. absolutely not, yet there I was. I had a ball that night, and yes lots of emotions, I cannot begin to explain how hard it was not signing up for the next round, and I spent lots of time not online so I wasn’t tempted. My rounds off. They were interesting months, full of great fitness achievements including running my first half marathon, and completing my les mills grit strength training, as one of the first 15 in Victoria and first 50 in Australia. I did gain weight, but the hardest thing was losing the balance in food, the binging came back and then the obsession with fear of gaining weight was there, and I missed the 12wbt family, more than anything. I still caught up with friends from the program, and chatted to them all the time, but I missed being part of it. I gained a couple of kgs during those rounds, and as I said earlier, I really lost the balance of food, struggled a lot with binging again. It wasn’t easy. Round 4 2012. I decided to join back up again this round, to find the balance again. Don’t get me wrong I was proud of what I managed to do the rounds I was off the program, but at the same time, I knew that the program worked for me, and that I needed to get the dangerous food habits under control before it became something that I couldn’t control. I recognised the pattern of self-destructive behaviour and made a decision to do something about it before it was too late. So back I went, though I kept it quiet this time, I didn’t want anyone judging me. I really focussed this round on trying to find the balance of the food, of stopping the binge eating, and the mental side of those challenges, and I got there. I did a mix of lean and strong workouts and my own classes that round. Somewhere within that round I found myself again, found the determination I had started to loose, and found the passion for change and self-improvement. I went to Brisbane finale, taking my Gary with me, the first one he had attended. I was fitter, stronger and healthier then I had ever been, and that day completing the fitness challenge was one of the highlights. Round 4 was a round that was about reconnecting with the me that lost all the weight in the first place, that had got lost along the way, it was about recognising that I had started to put everyone else first instead of myself again, and that that needed to change. The biggest feeling I had at the workout that day and the finale that night. I AM HOME; THIS IS WHO I AM AND WHERE I BELONG. Round 1 2013. With the work I did in round 4, I was able to start round 1 with a new determination. I joined the lean and strong pirates, and started to realise that I couldn’t do it all, not with the classes I taught and the programs, so I had decisions to make, and I chose to get rid of classes. It was such a hard decision to make seen as it took me so long to be seen as an instructor and get my permanent class list up but I realised that if I wanted to get results then I had to commit to lean and strong properly. I had a great round, and started to see definition changes, and definitely saw strength changes. I stuck to the program, and while I still struggled with the nutrition at times it was more consistent then I had had it in a long time. This round quickly became one of my favourite rounds, the support I received in the forums, was incredible. I well and truly had fallen in love with the lean and strong program, and now that I had committed to it fully I was seeing some great results. Just before the end of the round I attended filex, and it was there that I realised something really important. I realised that I had so much more to give then I was already. I realised that I still underestimated my abilities, and I realised that I had so much more to achieve. It was really a big weekend with all those things clicking at the same time; it was a mind blowing moment. See before this I thought I was giving all I had and it wasn’t that I was holding back, no it was that I didn’t believe I had more. Even after the rounds break I thought that all I had to give, or achieve was goals in weight loss, or goals in group fitness classes. I had given up on doing chin ups, and I had reached a point where I couldn’t increase strength much more, where I didn’t want to run anymore, and I thought what else was there to achieve, I had lost sight of what I was actually capable of and was still stuck in the number on the scale that I didn’t know what else to strive for. I got home from filex and wrote all these things down. It was a strange day for me, because I didn’t realise I was holding myself back from other areas because of wanting to achieve certain results on the scales. I didn’t realise I had more to give until then. I blame Grit cardio, a certain grit captain, and particular moments as part of the new releases, and on stage. It was that day that I realised that I truly had more to give and that I was only just getting started. The finale at Melbourne I had a ball; again I had Gary by my side, and was able to share the day and night with some incredible friends. I did the fitness challenge again, and was really happy with how I improved, I felt the fitness change that day, and from the realisations from filex were well and truly pulsing through my mind. All I need on finale weekends is to walk into the workout arena, and I light up from inside, it’s so hard to explain, but like I said, it’s a feeling of coming home. It’s so unreal sometimes remembering that first workout, compared to where the program is now, compared to where I am now… I never imagined I would be living the life I now live every day. It’s a bit surreal really, but sitting down spending this time reflecting it really hits home. Round 2 2013. Nearly up to date now. Why oh why did I delete all those posts? Actually I’m glad I’ve given myself this time to sit down and write and reflect, it’s what I needed to do. Ok this round was my best, most successful round, and no it’s not because I made the top 10, that was an absolute bonus and honour, and something that I never ever thought would ever happen. Getting the email to tell me I was in the top 10 was a surprise that had tears falling, happy tears. It was such an incredible honour to be part of the top 10. But more about that later. After realising at the end of the last round that I had more to give then I thought possible, I decided to truly commit to finding that part of me. I gave up a couple more classes, enlisted the help of a pt, and committed to myself to continue to do the mental work I needed to reach my potential. I also committed to continuing to try and find a balance with the nutrition still. It has always been my struggle, and it honestly still is, but I am getting better at it every round I do. I remember my first pt session I got so caught up in my head that I burst into tears, and as she pushed me through to finish the session, I realised how much harder pushing to the next level was going to be, I also realised how much more I actually could do. Over the round I achieved new pbs every week, achieved strength gains in every session, and finally was able to do chin ups. Every session with my pt she pushed me past the mental barriers, past the physical barriers and I could just keep seeing and feeling the results of my hard work. I was pushing past the mental barriers in my training, it was the best feeling ever to finally have that control of going yup those doubts are there, those fears are there, but just keep pushing through and see what happens. It wasn’t about them not being there, it was about finding ways to work through them. SO all of a sudden things that used to stop me, I was now soaring past. It was an incredible feeling. I had found a balance with my training, and a new intensity and determination in my training, I had found a new balance with my nutrition, and I had found a new mental strength. I had also finally realised that I needed to put myself first and keep putting myself first every day to make sure I was doing what I needed to do for me. Working with a pt meant that I was checking my technique and refining it, I was able to lift heavier and my fitness increased out of sight. I watched as my body shape changed, and for the first time realised just how stupid scales are. I look at my after photo and can’t believe that I only lost a kg, because from what I see, it looks like a huge amount more. The definition I started seeing was phenomenal... It just goes to show me, that when I got out of my own way the results that my body allowed me to get were way out of my expectations. It was a lot of hard work, (still is), a lot of DOMS (yup constant doms) and a lot of tears. This is me after all. :D The support on the forums from the lean and strong pirates is incredible, all I have achieved, I could not have done without these incredible people, and of course our support crew Lou and Dane, none of us could have achieved what we have without each other, or these incredible people. Seriously this round was one of the most special I have done. I got a dexa scan at the start and finish of the round. I may have only lost 1kg, but I dropped 5% body fat and gained 3kg muscle. This made me very very happy. Getting the email that I had been chosen as a 12wbt hero was just such a bonus. In a sea of so many incredible people I was nominated by others, and chosen to be recognised. I was and am, and always will be so honoured, humbled… I really have no words, just like on stage, where emotions just got too much. So here we are, up to date at last, at least for now. I hope that through these memories and discussions you have truly seen how much this program means to me. Why do I keep coming back? Because every round I learn something new, every round I achieve something, every round I meet so many incredible people. I want to thank everyone that I have met through the program, from the very first day to now. I want to thanks the entire 12wbt support crew from day one to now, and of course want to thank the pts I’ve had, the mentors and trainers in the les mills family. I want to thank my incredible Gary who always supports me and is by my side in everything I do. As I said to Mish on stage, this program has not just changed my body, it has changed my entire life, and it has changed me for the better, and continues to do so. I also told her that this program, this place is my home, it’s my family, and I mean that more than anything, some people will not understand that but that’s ok. Mish knows, as do other special people. I have met so many incredible people through this program and I can no longer imagine life without them. SO where to from now? Well as Mish and Meelsy and I talked about Saturday night, I’m only just getting started. :D